Attention "Internet Marketers" - Why You Can't Sell SHIT To A DUNG BEETLE

It's no secret that "Internet Marketing" is going down the toilet, and you are all pulling your hair out trying to devise new ways to sell your shitty-assed Frauducts™ (term courtesy of The Salty Droid) to the ever-diminishing pool of greedy marks with too much money and too few brain cells. But WHY, OH WHY, Dear Sweet Supply-Side Jesus, is this the case? Is it because of the recession? Shit no! Desperate people spend way more on stupid-ass schemes and "Big Dreams" (as you puke-inducingly call them) than comfortable people. That's a SCIENTIFIC FACT. In fact, is it because of Any Other Reason Than Your Own Stupid Ass? NOPE. It's because of YOU - because most of you never really learned how to sell sunshine to a marigold, much less sand to the Taliban. You see, the fact is, most people in marketing are STUPID (as well as sociopathic and Bastardly Queer™ [term courtesy of Time Cube]). You LACK the BASIC understanding of human psychology required to sell your latest e-shit. You don't know what you're doing, but I DO. That's why I made more money in internet marketing JUST FOR LOLS in my first 2 months than most of you make now. But I quit, because selling useless Frauducts™ to other people ACTUALLY FUCKING SUCKS, no matter how you try to rationalize it. Still, I am willing to offer coaching for just $10,000 an hour. You laugh, but you'd really never make a better investment, sociopathic assholes. For that small sum, I would be willing to temporarily set aside my ethics and take you to McSchool.