Give it to me FREE! FRREEEEEE!!!!! I COMMAND YOU!

And if commanding you fails, I just type "Product XYZ" (where "product XYZ" represents the actual product I want, you dolts - no, not actually "XYZ" but a variable represented by that linguistic device, much like algebra... ah, fuck it) into Google followed by the word TORRENT, and POOF, I get your goddamned piece of shit bug-fucking disappointing-ass bullshit $97 product for free anyway. HA! NINJA MOVE! So, in conclusion, FUCK YOU. Just give me the shit FREE and then try to upsell me on the back end, through the stupid-ass autoresponder e-mails I am too lazy to 1-click unsubscribe from. Even a novice marketer knows that old trick (especially since anyone but me would feel guilty about "stealing" the product and therefore have a greater sense obligation to make a legitimate purchase later), but NOOOOOO, you fuckers have to be all greedy and try to get the upfront payment from me before I can figure out how to "Naturally Heal All Diseases and Become a Super-Shaman Who Dropkicks Raptor Jesus." Short-sighted buggers. I'm off to download the torrent now.